Well…this video pretty much sums up how I felt this morning!!
So there I was…working on myself this weekend and all my thoughts when my best friend happened to call me from New York this morning and tell me that she was getting engaged. I was so happy for her. Happiness overwhelmed me when I heard about her trips to Europe, how he proposed, how it happened and all the good things in her life.
Then when I got off the phone a certain sadness came over me. I can’t say exactly what it was but it was a sadness. I was ashamed, jealous, angry, mad and all of the above. I quickly started comparing her life to mine and all those negative thoughts started coming in. Why is my life harder? Why do some people have it easy? Why am I following God? What’s the point if everyone else has a better life? As these thoughts began to sink in my comparisons of her life and mine got deeper and deeper. In fact, it started getting so big to the point where now I was comparing pretty much most of society with me.
I started comparing where I lived, my life to hers, our lives to hers and so and so on. Here I was following God and all these great things were happening to her and nothing was happening to me. I quickly became my own worst nightmare.
I think the worst thing about it is that when we are in a state of comparisons we tend to hurt the people closest to us. I know that anyone close to me would have been the target. Heck, if it wasn’t my sweet boyfriend this morning I would have pinned it on my mother. But, here I was my own worst enemy. I quickly ran to a sheet of paper and wrote out all the thoughts I was thinking and what was killing me slowly.
What I realized is that I was BEATING myself up. Literally. I was telling myself and my small child that we were nothing. That our lives weren’t better and that everything that we have accomplished up till now was crap. As I was writing my thoughts I imagined a small child (me at like 10) looking at me across the table with tears. “We aren’t good enough?” As these emotions started pouring in and I was writing the thoughts down on a piece of paper and had a vision of that small child saying that I put down the pen. How can I do that to a small child? It felt like a young child gave me a drawing and I handed it back saying it was crap.
I looked at that small child across the counter and realized that she (all the younger stages of me) tried as best as we could in this lifetime to make it out alive and do the best that we could. I was proud of her for that (and for that matter all the stages in my life). It was really a heartwarming exercise. Its taking you now and lining up all the stages of yourself in the past and telling yourself that you did the best you could and that you are proud of what you accomplished.
I then thanked God for this opportunity for showing me how much I was beating myself up.
Thank you God for this opportunity and thank you God for another day of life.
I then told myself that I now choose to take these lessons and build a great life with what I have.
I love you little child and know that God loves us.
I love you God. Thank you.